The Best Schmidt Quotes from New Girl

Schmidt from New Girl against a red, yellow, and green striped background.

Image Credit: LucDorion on Etsy.

Fronted by perennial quirky girl Zooey Deschanel, New Girl delivers refreshingly human, multi-layered writing. Its hilarious cast brings a mix of dry humor and touching moments that make it the perfect late-night comedy, fans of The Office, or fans of Judd Apatow films.

At New Girl’s center is Schmidt, a financial dude who likes to think he’s the man…but is really just a ridiculously funny Petri dish of peacocking, insecurity, and borderline obsessive cleanliness masquerading as metrosexuality.

Simply put, he’s kind of an audacious d-bag: that friend every group has, mocks, but loves just the same. Schmidt has plenty of redeeming moments throughout the series, so viewers have come to love him, too—particularly for his quotability. Here are the best Schmidt quotes from New Girl.



Schmidt Quotes from New Girl, Season 1

S1 E2

“Schmidt happens.” [Slaps another grown man.] “Thumb ring bitch! You’ve got some Schmidt on your face.”


S1 E4

“Nick is delicate like a flower. Like a chubby damaged flower that hates himself.”


S1 E9

“Judaism, son!”




S1 E10

“Damn it! I can’t find my driving moccasins anywhere!”


S1 E11

“Damp towel, damp! It’s like a really big wet nap. I feel like I’m being licked by a golden retriever. Look at this bathroom. There shouldn’t be two girls in this bathroom. You’re too humid.”




S1 E13

“This is a horrible neighborhood. There are youths everywhere.”


S1 E16

“I’m gonna go take a shower with Nick’s bar of soap like a common ranch hand.”


S1 E16

“Pine has no place in this loft. It’s the wood for poor people and outhouses.”


S1 E17

“You were denied a phone call because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost!”


S1 E20

“Would you line up around the corner if they called the iPhone a slippery germ brick?”


Season 2


S2 E2

“Are you cooking a frittata in a saucepan? What is this, prison?”


S2 E6

“Where do you even buy sheets like this? They have the thread count of a paper towel!”


S2 E8

“Your caveman ideas about manhood are so over. Manhood today is about exfoliation, cheese courses, and Paxil.”



S2 E9

“You are a gynecologist and a lesbian which makes you, well, a va-genius.”


S2 E10

“Bathtubs are medieval filth cauldrons… I’m not interested in simmering in testicle tea for 20 minutes.”


S2 E18

“I can’t talk right now. I’m writing a strongly worded email to my florist.”


S2 E22

“Please take that off. You look like a homeless pencil.”


S2 E23

“Back in high school, they used to call me the se- the sex haver.”


Season 3



S3 E1

“Now, as my best friend, I expect you to be willing to sacrifice everything for me at a moment’s notice, including, of course, unfortunately for you, your dignity.”


S3 E1

“Winston, if you think those shoes are brown, what color do you think you are?”


S3 E1

“What do I think it will look like?! Winston! It’s on the box! the picture is on the box! It’s a Japanese garden!”


S3 E9

“She’s on a flip phone, Jess. Which means she’s either poor or a time traveler.”


S3 E11

“Well, you have found my flabbergast button, and guess what, you’ve pressed it.”


schmidt new girl

S3 E14

“You’re wearing cargo pants. Hey guys, how are we gonna transport all this cargo? Oh, we have Nick’s pants! We’re saved!”


S3 E16

“The problem is her dad is a rabbi, and he hates me, so I just need to charm Rachel before he gets to her and tells her horrible/true things about me.”


S3 E19

“Walk with dignity, you giant toddler!”


S3 E20

“I don’t know what you’re so afraid of. It’s just a man doing a full downward-facing dog in the nude. It’s a couple of testicles just hangin’ upside down.”


S3 E22

“Kids, use the serving spoons. This isn’t Appalachia.”


Season 4


S4 E1

“It makes me angry and scared all at the same time. Just like when I hear the phrase ‘Academy Award Winner Anna Paquin.’”


S4 E1

“How do I look? How Jewish? Good Jewish or bad Jewish?”


S4 E1

“Look at that. She looks like a girl from the commercial playing tennis with a tampon in. Let’s do this.”


S4 E2

“Do you just walk around all day thinking about other people’s feelings? How do you get anything done?”


S4 E2

“If pot were a piano, Nick would be a nine-year-old Chinese girl.”


via Gfycat

S4 E2

“You have so much hair; you’re like a lioness.”


S4 E2

“The whole point of dating is just to keep on dating… and then never stop. It’s like burning fossil fuels. Or seeing a therapist.”


S4 E3

“You sloth. You should be living in a tree in Costa Rica.”


S4 E3

“Let’s blast America right in the face with a little bit of Schmidt.”


S4 E3

“Without ash to rise from, the Phoenix would just be a bird getting up.”


S4 E12

“I’m not being overdramatic when I say that I would rather sit naked on a hot grill than wear something off of the rack.”


S4 E16

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go water my succulents.”



Schmidt Quotes from New Girl‘s Final Seasons


S5 E9

“I look like a seventies divorce attorney.”


S6 E19

“Are you the criminals…from the statistics?!”


S7 E19

“I hate your mustache because I miss your upper lip.”


S7 E5

“A WHITE MAN?! NOOOOO! Well, what did security do about it?” “Nothing.” “Typical!”



Schmidt stays so very Schmidt throughout the entirety of New Girl: an overly dramatic hero who’s quick to judge, hard to please, and easy to love.

Need more shows to binge, now that New Girl is over?  The best TV shows of all time are sure to soften the heartache that comes from knowing the world won’t get any more Schmidt quotes (unless recent rumors prove true). Or, keep your comedy on-the-go with some the best comedy podcasts.


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