The Best Michael Scott Quotes from The Office

The Office’s Michael Scott, while most often dense and childish, is actually very profound from time to time.

Michael Scott from The Office shrugging to camera in front of his window.

Michael Scott, Steve Carrell’s brilliant character from TV’s The Office, oftentimes gets written off as childish and dense.

However, fans know he’s much more than that. His words are often brilliant, and always hilarious. Here are the funniest and most inspirational Michael Scott quotes from The Office.

 

Best Michael Scott Quotes from The Office, Season 1

Episode 1 – “Pilot”

“Thank you very much sir! You are both a gentleman and a scholar!” ….. “Oh I’m sorry! Ok, I’m sorry. My mistake”…. “It was a woman I was talking to.”

 

“No, I’m not going to tell them about the downsizing. If a patient has cancer, you don’t tell them.”

 

“People I respect, heroes of mine, would be… Bob Hope. Abraham Lincoln. Definitely. Bono. And probably God would be the 4th one.”

 

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Episode 2 – “Diversity Day”

“I’m Michael Scott, founder of Diversity Tomorrow because today is almost over.”

 

[to Oscar] “Is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer or is it too offensive?”

 

“Abraham Lincoln once said that, ‘If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North.’ And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.”

 

“You’ll notice I didn’t have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended. But I just thought. ‘Too soon for Arabs.‘ Maybe next year. Um… You know, the ball’s in their court.”

 

 

Best Michael Scott Quotes from The Office, Season 2

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Episode 2 – “Sexual Harassment”

“I love inside jokes. I’d love to be a part of one someday.”

 

“I don’t come up with this stuff, I just forward it along. You wouldn’t arrest the guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another.”

 

 

Episode 4 – “The Fire”

“When I was Ryan’s age, I worked in a fast food restaurant to save up money for school. And then I lost it in a pyramid scheme, but I learned more about business right then and there than business school would ever teach me—or Ryan would ever teach me.”

 

 

Best Michael Scott Quotes from The Office, Season 3

Episode 4 – “Grief Counseling”

“I lost Ed Truck… and it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears… and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer… and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone… and I’m crying, and nobody can hear me, because I’m terribly, terribly… terribly alone.”

 

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Season 3 Episode 9 – “The Convict”

“I didn’t hire an ex-convict. Unless they mean Toby. Convicted rapist.”

 

“Why did the convict have to be a black guy. It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy. Who went to prison for… polluting a black guy’s lake.”

 

“Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What’s he wearing? Nothing special. Baseball cap on backward, baggy pants. He says something ordinary like, ‘Yo that’s shizzle’. Okay, now slowly open your eyes again. Who you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you.”

 

“The worst thing about prison was the…was the dementors. They were flying all over the place and they were scary and then they’d come down and they’d suck the soul out of your body. And it hurt!”

 

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Episode 15 – “Phyllis’ Wedding”

“Webster’s Dictionary defines ‘wedding’ as ‘the fusing of two metals with a hot torch.’ Well you know something? I think you guys are two medals. Gold medals.”

 

 

Episode 19 – “The Negotiation”

“Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information.”

 

 

Episode 22 – “Beach Games”

“What happens to a company if somebody takes a boss away? I will answer your question with a question. It’s like, what happens to a chicken when you take its head away? It dies. Unless you find a new head. I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head.”

 

 

Best Michael Scott Quotes from The Office, Season 4

 

Episodes 1 & 2 – “Fun Run”

“Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.”

 

“Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked…I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it’s not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.”

 

“I’m not superstitious but I am a little stitious.”

 

 

Episode 5 & 6 – “Launch Party”

“I don’t hate it. I just don’t like it at all and it’s terrible.”

 

 

Episode 12 – “The Deposition”

“Friends joke with one another. ‘Hey, you’re poor.’ ‘Hey, your momma’s dead.’ That’s what friends do.”

 

 

Episodes 18 & 19 – “Goodbye Toby”

“Well, it’s love at first sight. Actually, it was… No, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears.”

 

 

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Best Michael Scott Quotes from The Office, Season 5

 

Episode 12 – “The Duel”

“Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.”

 

“Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”

 

 

Episode 21 – “Michael Scott Paper Company”

[Lady Gaga playing] … “It’s Britney, bitch.”

 

 

Episode 24 – “Casual Friday “

“I have a very difficult decision to make. It’s like last week I was at the video store. Do I rent Devil Wears Prada, again, or do I finally get around to seeing Sophie’s Choice? It is what you would call a classic difficult decision.”

 

 

 

Best Michael Scott Quotes from The Office, Season 6

 

Episode 17 & 18 – “Delivery”

“Make friends first, make sales second, make love third. In no particular order.”

 

 

Episode 23 – “Body Language”

“I am Beyonce, always.”

 

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The entire cast of The Office brings comedic gold to every scene, of course, but Michael Scott delivers some of the funniest and most memorable quotes of the show by far. Whether trying to inspire his team or fumbling through a side interview, Michael’s always just a few seconds from another brilliant line.

For more television recommendations, check out every opening quote from HBO’s The Wire, the complete guide to every Simpsons episode ever, or the best Schmidt quotes from New Girl.

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