The Best Michael Scott Quotes from The Office

The Office’s Michael Scott, while most often dense and childish, is actually very profound from time to time.

The Best Michael Scott Quotes from The Office

Michael Scott, Steve Carrell’s brilliant character from TV’s The Office, has often been categorized as childish and dense. However, we think he’s much more than that. His words are hilarious and often brilliant. This page contains a complete list of the best, funniest, and most inspirational Michael Scott quotes from every episode of The Office.

 

Season 1 Episode 1 – “Pilot”

“Thank you very much sir! You are both a gentleman and a scholar!” ….. “Oh I’m sorry! Ok, I’m sorry. My mistake”…. “It was a woman I was talking to.”

– Michael Scott

 

“No, I’m not going to tell them about the downsizing. If a patient has cancer, you don’t tell them.”

– Michael Scott

 

“People I respect, heroes of mine, would be… Bob Hope. Abraham Lincoln. Definitely. Bono. And probably God would be the 4th one.”

– Michael Scott

 

Season 1 Episode 2 – “Diversity Day”

“I’m Michael Scott, founder of Diversity Tomorrow because today is almost over.”

– Michael Scott

 

[to Oscar] “Is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer or is it too offensive?”

– Michael Scott

 

“Abraham Lincoln once said that, “If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North.” And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.”

– Michael Scott

 

“You’ll notice I didn’t have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended. But I just thought. ‘Too soon for Arabs.’ Maybe next year. Um… You know, the ball’s in their court.”

– Michael Scott

 

Season 2 Episode 2 – “Sexual Harassment”

“I love inside jokes. I’d love to be a part of one someday.”

– Michael Scott

 

“I don’t come up with this stuff, I just forward it along. You wouldn’t arrest the guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another.”

– Michael Scott

 

Season 2 Episode 4 – “The Fire”

“When I was Ryan’s age, I worked in a fast food restaurant to save up money for school. And then I lost it in a pyramid scheme, but I learned more about business right then and there than business school would ever teach me – or Ryan would ever teach me.”

– Michael Scott

 

Season 3 Episode 4 – “Grief Counseling”

“I lost Ed Truck… and it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears… and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer… and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone… and I’m crying, and nobody can hear me, because I’m terribly, terribly… terribly alone.”

– Michael Scott

 

Season 3 Episode 9 – “The Convict”

“I didn’t hire an ex-convict. Unless they mean Toby. Convicted rapist.”

– Michael Scott

 

“Why did the convict have to be a black guy. It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy. Who went to prison for… polluting a black guy’s lake.”

– Michael Scott

 

“Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What’s he wearing? Nothing special. Baseball cap on backward, baggy pants. He says something ordinary like, ‘yo that’s shizzle’. Okay, now slowly open your eyes again. Who you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well shame on you.”

– Michael Scott

 

“The worst thing about prison was the… was the dementors. They were flying all over the place and they were scary and then they’d come down and they’d suck the soul out of your body. And it hurt!”

– Michael Scott

 

Season 3 Episode 15 – “Phyllis’ Wedding”

“Webster’s Dictionary defines ‘wedding’ as ‘the fusing of two metals with a hot torch.’ Well you know something? I think you guys are two medals. Gold medals”.

– Michael Scott

 

Season 3 Episode 19 – “The Negotiation”

“Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information.”

– Michael Scott

 

Season 3 Episode 22 – “Beach Games”

“What happens to a company if somebody takes a boss away? I will answer your question with a question. It’s like, what happens to a chicken when you take its head away? It dies. Unless you find a new head. I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head.”

– Michael Scott

 

Season 4 Episodes 1 & 2 – “Fun Run”

“Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.”

– Michael Scott

 

“Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it’s not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.”

– Michael Scott

 

“I’m not superstitious but I am a little stitious.”

– Michael Scott

 

Season 4 Episode 5 & 6 – “Launch Party”

“I don’t hate it. I just don’t like it at all and it’s terrible.”

– Michael Scott

 

Season 4 Episode 12 – “The Deposition”

“Friends joke with one another. ‘Hey, you’re poor.’ ‘Hey, your momma’s dead.’ That’s what friends do.”

– Michael Scott

 

Season 4 Episodes 18 & 19 – “Goodbye Toby”

“Well, it’s love at first sight. Actually, it was… No, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears.”

– Michael Scott

 

Season 5 Episode 12 – “The Duel”

“Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.”

– Michael Scott

“Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”

– Michael Scott

 

 

Season 5 Episode 21 – “Michael Scott Paper Company”

[Lady Gaga playing] … “It’s Britney, bitch.”

– Michael Scott

Season 5 Episode 24 – “Casual Friday “

“I have a very difficult decision to make. It’s like last week I was at the video store. Do I rent Devil Wares Prada, again, or do I finally get around to seeing Sophie’s Choice? It is what you would call a classic difficult decision.”

– Michael Scott

 

Season 6 Episode 17 & 18 – “Delivery”

“Make friends first, make sales second, make love third. In no particular order.”

– Michael Scott

 

Season 6 Episode 23 – “Body Language”

“I am Beyonce, always.”

– Michael Scott

 

If you enjoyed this list of Michael Scott’s greatest quotes from The Office, you might like some of our other pages, like this list of opening quotes from every episode of The Wire.

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